A Grandfather’s Reflection on Father’s Day
“Gentlemen, try not to become men of success. Rather, become men of value.“
- Albert Einstein
It was one of those moments you know you will remember; when you are completely “in the moment” and aware that this is significant. Over the Memorial Day holiday weekend my wife and I had all 3 of our adult children and 3 grandchildren together in one place for the holiday and to celebrate little Evie’s 2nd birthday. I felt in that moment, playing with my grandchildren (all 3 under 4) and watching my children sitting talking and renewing their relationships what I have told parents in parent trainings and in therapy for the last 30 years: the goal of parenting is to one day, when they are grown, be glad to see them and proud of the people they have become.
Being a parent, growing human beings into good people and good citizens, is the hardest job we ever do as people and yet we get no training for it; not even an owner’s manual. Yes, there are self-help books, parenting classes (we offer them at Compass Counseling), and You Tube videos and online workshops, but to feel confident in becoming a parent and knowing how to be a father is not easy. If you had good parents who were there for you and taught you everything from how to dress yourself and tie your shoes to how you were to act when you went to someone else’s house you were lucky, blessed even. If not, you have to find a good example somewhere to follow.
20 million children live in a home without the physical presence of a father and even more dads are physically present but emotionally absent. 57% of black kids live without a father. And how can we expect our boys to grow up to be kind, compassionate men if no one shows them how? Fatherlessness is one of the most significant family or social problems facing America today. It’s time to step up men and be present to your children as a father. Be involved in their lives and teach them things you have learned about being a good person.
Fatherlessness is more likely to lead to low self-esteem and feelings of abandonment in children. They are statistically more likely to have behavioral problems and social problems, struggling to be a good friend and treat all people with dignity and respect. Fatherless girls are more likely to get pregnant as teens and 90% of runaways and homeless youth had no father at home.
I had a client several years ago who took seriously his responsibility to be a father and teach his children to be a good person, to respect others and be a self-contained and confident individual. Despite his physical limitations and his own struggles, he was determined that his children would learn to be “good people”. It is work, it is the hardest thing you will ever do, but when your time comes and you can see the good people they have become, I hope you will feel as I did Memorial Day weekend – a deep love, pride, and satisfaction in the adults who were raising amazing little humans that I want to spend as much time with as I can.
If we raise good people, good responsible citizens, we can change our society in 2 generations. So let’s get to it men! And be sure to talk to your father or male role model and thank them for investing in you. Happy Father’s Day.