What Do You Expect From Me?

Having healthy expectations in your marriage

As a marriage and family therapist, I have had the privilege of working with many different types of couples in therapy for a variety of reasons. During the initial intake session, I always ask them one question within the first 15 minutes. What has led you to consider marital counseling at this time? I have gotten a variety of answers over the years from financial instability, infidelity, communication issues, poor sex life, difficult mother in laws (ha)…

Although each one of those answers cause problems in marriage, they do not necessarily explain the root cause of internal conflict. I have found that all marital issues stem from one source; the inability to meet personal expectations. When a spouse has unmet wants and needs in a marriage, dissatisfaction begins to evolve. This often results in an internal war that convinces you are “unloved”, “ignored”, insignificant” and “underappreciated”. 

So how does marriage counseling help resolve this “expectation issue”? 

1) Be Specific 

This is where communication is key! No matter how minimal you believe your needs and wants are, it is imperative you identify and discuss them with your spouse. A counselor can help mediate this process, so each person is adequately heard with the least amount of resistance. 

2) Determine whether your expectations are rational or irrational? 

Sometimes we need to alter our expectations if they are not reality based or “over romanticized”. 

For example; if you have the expectation that your spouse needs to wake up at 5:00 am every morning to start the coffee pot, it may or may not be practical for your marriage. Maybe your spouse works a late shift? Maybe they are not a morning person? This expectation could also be a romanticized idea formed from childhood that might eventually become toxic to your marriage. It is important to explore where your expectations stem from and if they need to be altered. 

3) If your expectations are rational, what can you or your spouse do to make them a reality? 

Listen, life is filled with challenges and seasonal difficulties (children, financial strain, family conflict). It is often difficult to make your spouse’s “healthy” expectations a priority when you are trying to keep your head above water. However, it is worth the effort! When you make your spouse (and ultimately your marriage) a focal point in your daily routine, you will notice your overall marital satisfaction improve. Remember, you are a team! 

4) Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

A counselor can provide guidance and a safe space for you and your spouse to work through conflict resolution. There are a lot of reasons why people find communication difficult and there is no shame in seeking a professional to help you in this process and teaching you skills that can be used every day! 

“Conflict is an opportunity to learn to love your partner better over time” Dr. Julie Gottman 

Download our Free E-Book 10 Questions to Ask Before Starting Counseling. Learn more at www.compasscounseling.com If you would like to schedule an appointment today click here!

Jessica Page