Boundary Setting on the Fly

Keeping healthy boundaries primarily include two factors. Interactions with other people and how we use our time. 

This post is going to give direction on simple ways to create boundaries “on the fly.” So many times we are in situations where making a decision on what to do in our relationships or with our time cannot be planned out in advance. It can be helpful to have a strategy for that type of moment. 

For this, one short phrase to use as a reminder and one question for self reflection. 

First, the reminder. As previously mentioned the focus on boundaries or decision making includes relationships and time. Sometimes they cross over but the first is a reminder on relationships. 

To create and maintain boundaries with other people remembering we are not responsible for but are responsible to other people. 

Meaning this: 

Depending on the type of relationship, each one of us has responsibilities to other people. Starting with someone as simple as a stranger. We have a responsibility to them in ways such as being kind and polite. Social norms. As we get into relationships that are more intimate the responsibility to the person changes. In families providing kids’ basic needs would be a responsibility to the children. For couples there is a responsibility to be honest. Friendships would require a responsibility to follow through with promises. 

However, we are not responsible for any of these relationships. In other words, we are not responsible for the behavior of other people, so making sacrifices or trying to bend our behavior for change and control of the behavior of others is unhelpful for us and them. 

So in a situation when someone keeps asking for more from you, remind yourself that you have responsibilities TO them but are not responsible FOR them. 

When making decisions on how we spend our time we often are not in a binary situation. In other words, it is not a clear cut option of right and wrong. In those cases when our values don’t make the call in advance, there is a way to break it down. 

Ask yourself this question: “Under what circumstances is this appropriate?”

So someone asks you to spend time doing an activity that may be completely innocent and even beneficial. Even if you have reasons not to participate, it may be hard to say no without the backing of the previously mentioned question. For example, an answer of “no” may sound like: 

“It is appropriate to spend my time this way when I do not have tasks at home that are a higher priority” or “it’s appropriate to do this when I have the energy. That is not the case currently so the answer must be no.” 

This strategy helps us explain our no and make the right choice without feeling neglectful to what would otherwise be a good way to spend our time. 

It should be noted that sometimes the answer to “under what circumstances is this appropriate?” will be never. Not everything has a time or place. 

So in life, when making those boundary decisions in the moment remember these two things: I am responsible to people but not for them. 

And 

Under what circumstances would this be appropriate? 

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