Relationship and Marriage Counseling

There is no bad time to start therapy. However, sometimes there are concerns occurring in relationships that are particularly problematic and should be given attention in a professional setting. 

The first four concerns are what Dr. John Gottman would call the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” After years of research Dr. Gottman found that these, left unattended, could lead to the end of relationships. 

The first of these is criticism. When one or both people in the relationship attack the other person’s character criticism is happening. A clue to whether or not this is happening is if words like “you always” or “you never” are coming out regularly. This behavior causes a disconnect and for one person to feel their worth is being challenged. The feeling of not being good enough leads to another concern, defensiveness. 

Defensiveness often shows up after criticism occurs but is not necessarily simply a by product. In defensiveness the person who is acting defensive basically makes themself the victim in the situation. Defensive behavior is trying to deflect the attention of the topic at hand by turning it around and saying a lot of “yeah but” or giving some explanation. When a person in the relationship is being defensive, they are rejecting any form of responsibility. 

Another concern in relationships that should get attention by a professional is what Dr. Gottman calls stonewalling. This can be defined as when one person in the relationship shuts the other out by creating distance. This can be physical distance or emotionally not being present with the other person. 

When one person shows a lack of concern about the other person’s emotional state or point of view it can be defined as contempt. This is a little more difficult to describe or recognize. 

One other relationship concern is betrayal. This can be defined simply as doing something in a secretive nature or without the other person’s approval. 

Betrayal is a problem that arises when there is a power imbalance in the relationship. And ultimately a couple feeling like they are operating on different levels or in opposition of each other is the core of why any couple enters therapy. 

So if you find yourself in a pattern or criticizing, being defensive, stonewalling, contemptuous, or betraying it may be time for professional help.

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